I was recently invited to share time with some parents in our school community with the goal of "creating an outstanding community for our kids". I'm in I think, I'm in. I've often felt that I should get more involved at school, but time for gathering with other parents is limited to a small few who we have found connection to (they are great). While there are many I really like, I simply can't manage time with everyone. Its just who I am. Outside of that, there are many fabulous parents, teachers, students who I chit chat with on the playground/ in the hallways, but I really don't have a lot of time for casual small talk - I prefer closer connections, and look for that in the path I am on. My life is full. But it's a good full. I really am in a good place.
Well, with this context in mind, I proceeded, on election day in Alberta, to race from a busy clinic, to the voting booth, to the home of a "friend" who has invited a few of us to chat about an experience that she guaranteed will help me "get my shit together". (This involved a 40 km trip during rush-hour across the city because of the disparate trajectory of my destinations). Of course, I was not sure what "shit" she was referring to exactly - I confess I do have too many paper piles, and the dog run is a bit, well, it needs some attention; but she had NO WAY of knowing that! I also confess that I am into self-reflection and time management, so, understandably I was intrigued. In order to attend this "gathering" I had to find sustenance on my way and arrange a babysitter for the kids as my hubby was working late that very night. After scarfing down a supper of champions - a "kellogs" breakfast shake and 2 peanut butter cups" (thanks to my sister - a story for another post), I arrive at said gathering, slightly disheveled and feeling a bit bloated and dehydrated from my deluxe dining experience.
There are a handful of people most of whom I recognise, quietly gathered around the island in the kitchen. It is a group of strangers, acquaintances; but no one really knows each other, except the organisers. A cozy living room with a whiteboard and make-shift podium at the front, hmm, are we playing a game? Singing a song? A bit curious I thought. It wasn't long until we were all seated and asked to fill in a small glossy pamphlet - answering a few simple questions, penning a few simple answers. I am very much into introspection and self-reflection. A life well lived. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", "Organisation From the Inside-Out, "The Happiness Project" blah blah blah. These things, among others inform how I live my life. At first I seemed to have connected with like-minded people.
It wasn't long after people started sharing that I began to feel....disquiet, that nagging sense of, crap I don't want to hear that, and this is not what I thought it would be. You see, it was clear that there were some very fragile souls in the room -people who really need some help, guidance, some support. In other words - professional help, not the "acme do-it-yourself-home-psychiatry-kit". My small list of basic concerns, really boiled down to somethings I've been working on for some time. Sharing these was not a very painful or tender commitment, nor was it particularly revolutionary. What also "tipped me off" - was the introduction that said that the acquaintance who invited me "really cared about me" and "wanted me to have a fabulous life". Who was that? We've never even had coffee? The need for a script at the front of the room, and glossy fliers should have as well, but I was too open minded. I was a bit alarmed at the rather keen attention given to those who were in tears, and I was uncomfortable with this impersonal venue for such sharing. I barely know any of these people!
As the evening continued to unfold, it became clear to me that this was really just a gathering whose sole purpose was to recruit me to attend "The Landmark Forum". While I was aware that my acquaintance wanted to share her experience with this, I was patently unaware that this was a recruiting session, and naively thought she had just wanted to share an incredible experience she had. Dear Lord, had I googled it ahead, I would have skipped it and had a nice dinner at home and saved myself $60.00 in babysitting fees. Two of the attendees, wiser and less well socialised than me (i.e. more able to say NO), left at the 3/4 mark. As I longingly gazed on their departure, I was invited to share my thoughts and listen to that of others. I will admit that the foolish school-girl part of me enjoyed having some attention and sharing my ideas - after all I'm an self-reflection-organisational-expert-nerd-Look-how-togehter-my-shit-is"...Really, I could share this stuff with the best of 'em.
At the end of the evening 2 of the attendees were contemplating how to afford the nearly $700.00 hit to sign up for the Forum, in Calgary right then and there on the spot - "no pressure" - (since we live in Edmonton this would also involve travel and accommodations on top of that). Imagine, voluntarily spending an entire weekend in a hotel convention room (I'm already thinking bed bugs, dingy curtains, and uncomfortable chairs, snoozing) with 150-200 strangers, 12-14 h days, sharing your most painful stuff or not, listening to others share theirs with absolutely no therapeutic safety net for those fragile souls who really need psychiatry????!!!! The funny thing is that the leaders of the evening plainly said that what you pay for is "nothing" ha ha ha clap clap clap. right there. plain sight. see nothing covert here.
I found that my hosts, though beguiling, were a bit - pushy. I considered, briefly, the idea of taking my sister to this event; it was more of an outward musing, to further the social charade I'd played all night long (= more perfectly pleasing socialisation and , shame on me #need to work on using my big people voice). Immediately, I was encouraged to pursue this. Upon mentioning my husband, I was offered direction as to how I might persuade him to benefit as well --(anyone reading this who knows him can get up off the floor now and quit laughing at the thought of me persuading him or him being interested, you might need to also launder your pants if you were laughing as hard as I think you were). I was immediately struck by the psychobabble embedded in their direction (thanks to all my psychiatry training which , by the way, did not prevent me from acting interested), and alarmed. Meanwhile, the poor, vulnerable woman on the couch next to me was receiving "support". I still feel "dirty" just thinking about it. Partly because I couldn't just say, see ya, and partly because I recognised the potential harm in the situation. And I also feel sad. I feel sad that some people who I had liked, and respected are either completely oblivious to the conflict of interest, unable to see the potential harm to others, brainwashed, or opportunistic. I'd like to think that I was wrong, but a week later I don't feel better, I feel worse about the whole experience and am getting a sore leg trying to kick myself in the virtual ass. It had the potential to be violating and I was not really the one who was at risk, but I do feel that I was duped into compromising my principles out of an offer of social connection, and my adherance to being polite and open minded. Sad really. It turns out this very type of naive assumption is precisely what fuels these interactions. I would feel even worse if my behaviour was interpreted by those who were fragile to constitute an endorsement. Sigh. This little post is an attempt to reveal this and make amends.
I've since looked at the website and read more about this group. "The Landmark forum" is loosely affiliated with similar basic idealology as scientology and EST- real details about the organisation and how it works are elusive. It's not easy to find on their website, I won't bore you here - but suffice it to say that not only is it NOT for me, I am deeply appalled at the ethics of this whole entire event. As a medical professional, I wish I could have behaved differently, as a "community member" I was tricked. To boot, there were 4 lawyers in the room and I wonder what their thoughts are on the issues of maleficence, confidentiality, and practicing medicine (psychological counseling) without training?
It gives me the creeps and to be even more honest, I have my shit together thanks (if you exclude my need to work on my ability to say "hell no" in public).
Well, with this context in mind, I proceeded, on election day in Alberta, to race from a busy clinic, to the voting booth, to the home of a "friend" who has invited a few of us to chat about an experience that she guaranteed will help me "get my shit together". (This involved a 40 km trip during rush-hour across the city because of the disparate trajectory of my destinations). Of course, I was not sure what "shit" she was referring to exactly - I confess I do have too many paper piles, and the dog run is a bit, well, it needs some attention; but she had NO WAY of knowing that! I also confess that I am into self-reflection and time management, so, understandably I was intrigued. In order to attend this "gathering" I had to find sustenance on my way and arrange a babysitter for the kids as my hubby was working late that very night. After scarfing down a supper of champions - a "kellogs" breakfast shake and 2 peanut butter cups" (thanks to my sister - a story for another post), I arrive at said gathering, slightly disheveled and feeling a bit bloated and dehydrated from my deluxe dining experience.
There are a handful of people most of whom I recognise, quietly gathered around the island in the kitchen. It is a group of strangers, acquaintances; but no one really knows each other, except the organisers. A cozy living room with a whiteboard and make-shift podium at the front, hmm, are we playing a game? Singing a song? A bit curious I thought. It wasn't long until we were all seated and asked to fill in a small glossy pamphlet - answering a few simple questions, penning a few simple answers. I am very much into introspection and self-reflection. A life well lived. "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", "Organisation From the Inside-Out, "The Happiness Project" blah blah blah. These things, among others inform how I live my life. At first I seemed to have connected with like-minded people.
It wasn't long after people started sharing that I began to feel....disquiet, that nagging sense of, crap I don't want to hear that, and this is not what I thought it would be. You see, it was clear that there were some very fragile souls in the room -people who really need some help, guidance, some support. In other words - professional help, not the "acme do-it-yourself-home-psychiatry-kit". My small list of basic concerns, really boiled down to somethings I've been working on for some time. Sharing these was not a very painful or tender commitment, nor was it particularly revolutionary. What also "tipped me off" - was the introduction that said that the acquaintance who invited me "really cared about me" and "wanted me to have a fabulous life". Who was that? We've never even had coffee? The need for a script at the front of the room, and glossy fliers should have as well, but I was too open minded. I was a bit alarmed at the rather keen attention given to those who were in tears, and I was uncomfortable with this impersonal venue for such sharing. I barely know any of these people!
As the evening continued to unfold, it became clear to me that this was really just a gathering whose sole purpose was to recruit me to attend "The Landmark Forum". While I was aware that my acquaintance wanted to share her experience with this, I was patently unaware that this was a recruiting session, and naively thought she had just wanted to share an incredible experience she had. Dear Lord, had I googled it ahead, I would have skipped it and had a nice dinner at home and saved myself $60.00 in babysitting fees. Two of the attendees, wiser and less well socialised than me (i.e. more able to say NO), left at the 3/4 mark. As I longingly gazed on their departure, I was invited to share my thoughts and listen to that of others. I will admit that the foolish school-girl part of me enjoyed having some attention and sharing my ideas - after all I'm an self-reflection-organisational-expert-nerd-Look-how-togehter-my-shit-is"...Really, I could share this stuff with the best of 'em.
At the end of the evening 2 of the attendees were contemplating how to afford the nearly $700.00 hit to sign up for the Forum, in Calgary right then and there on the spot - "no pressure" - (since we live in Edmonton this would also involve travel and accommodations on top of that). Imagine, voluntarily spending an entire weekend in a hotel convention room (I'm already thinking bed bugs, dingy curtains, and uncomfortable chairs, snoozing) with 150-200 strangers, 12-14 h days, sharing your most painful stuff or not, listening to others share theirs with absolutely no therapeutic safety net for those fragile souls who really need psychiatry????!!!! The funny thing is that the leaders of the evening plainly said that what you pay for is "nothing" ha ha ha clap clap clap. right there. plain sight. see nothing covert here.
I found that my hosts, though beguiling, were a bit - pushy. I considered, briefly, the idea of taking my sister to this event; it was more of an outward musing, to further the social charade I'd played all night long (= more perfectly pleasing socialisation and , shame on me #need to work on using my big people voice). Immediately, I was encouraged to pursue this. Upon mentioning my husband, I was offered direction as to how I might persuade him to benefit as well --(anyone reading this who knows him can get up off the floor now and quit laughing at the thought of me persuading him or him being interested, you might need to also launder your pants if you were laughing as hard as I think you were). I was immediately struck by the psychobabble embedded in their direction (thanks to all my psychiatry training which , by the way, did not prevent me from acting interested), and alarmed. Meanwhile, the poor, vulnerable woman on the couch next to me was receiving "support". I still feel "dirty" just thinking about it. Partly because I couldn't just say, see ya, and partly because I recognised the potential harm in the situation. And I also feel sad. I feel sad that some people who I had liked, and respected are either completely oblivious to the conflict of interest, unable to see the potential harm to others, brainwashed, or opportunistic. I'd like to think that I was wrong, but a week later I don't feel better, I feel worse about the whole experience and am getting a sore leg trying to kick myself in the virtual ass. It had the potential to be violating and I was not really the one who was at risk, but I do feel that I was duped into compromising my principles out of an offer of social connection, and my adherance to being polite and open minded. Sad really. It turns out this very type of naive assumption is precisely what fuels these interactions. I would feel even worse if my behaviour was interpreted by those who were fragile to constitute an endorsement. Sigh. This little post is an attempt to reveal this and make amends.
I've since looked at the website and read more about this group. "The Landmark forum" is loosely affiliated with similar basic idealology as scientology and EST- real details about the organisation and how it works are elusive. It's not easy to find on their website, I won't bore you here - but suffice it to say that not only is it NOT for me, I am deeply appalled at the ethics of this whole entire event. As a medical professional, I wish I could have behaved differently, as a "community member" I was tricked. To boot, there were 4 lawyers in the room and I wonder what their thoughts are on the issues of maleficence, confidentiality, and practicing medicine (psychological counseling) without training?
It gives me the creeps and to be even more honest, I have my shit together thanks (if you exclude my need to work on my ability to say "hell no" in public).
My biggest epiphany - find a way to share a NO and say what I think. Damn the classic socialisation that I was raised with. Sometimes you just need some good old german bluntness.
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